School

I've always been one of those kids who needs to go to school. I get short tempered when I miss a day or if it even seems like I am going to be late. I've always been told that I am a nerd for that but I honestly do not care. I'm even one of those kids who asks what the homework is and try to be the first to turn in homework. Nerd Alert. I missed school last week. Though I only had AP Literature, aiding, and my CTE class, I was still upset that I missed the day. I asked around for the homework that I missed and I attempted to do it. But, I felt like something important happened during the class that would carry over into the next class. And I was right. Today there was a quiz in class and since I was absent, I had difficulty answering some of the questions. This stressed me out and I ended up having even more trouble answering the questions where I did know the answer. I felt that it was going to lower my grade so much. I shut down and gave up. I just turned in my quiz and was wishing that there would be something that I could do to make it up and thankfully I was granted my wish. School is something that I look forward to, even though I may seem grumpy or not in the mood to be there/

Homeless Feeds

Four one of the clubs that I am a part of, we participate in monthly homeless feeds. I get this great feeling as we make the food and go out and serve it to the people in the line. I love hearing them say that I’m doing something wonderful and that they really appreciate it. I feel like I’m making a difference. Even though, it’s a small project and I only do it once a month, I see their delight and I know that I helped their lives. Every month, I work with the advisor and we create a theme for everyone’s meal. For example, pastries, sweets, meat, etc. One day we made plenty of sandwiches. It was freezing outside and my sister and I wanted to entertain ourselves while getting a laugh out of those we were serving. She took peanut butter and jelly and I took bologna. Whoever got rid of their sandwiches first didn’t have to do chores for a week. She took the deal since she thought she would win with their being less of her sandwiches and more of mine. This introduced her to marketing and trying to sell her product. Of course, I was ridding of my sandwiches faster than her. But I think it was how I was selling my sandwich. While she asked if they would like peanut butter and jelly, I would cut her off and say, “Why eat a boring PB&J sandwich when you can have a meaty cheesy sandwich?!?” and “Don’t choose her sandwich, mine’s wayyyy better.” Our sibling rivalry gave everyone a laugh which made us laugh even more. 

Biological Family

Family. When I hear that word, I think of my crazy family. Step siblings. Step family. Not knowing members of your biological family. Arguments. Laughter. All of it. I care deeply about my family, don't get me wrong. But sometimes I wonder what it would be like if my biological father was a part of my life. Would I actually have the two half brothers that everyone says I have? Would I argue with my mom as much as I do today? Would I be living with him instead of her? Would I even be going to this school? I imagine my life would be completely different. When I hear my mom talk, I find myself wondering more and more about what this parallel life would be like. My grandparents are very traditional. In their culture they are all about blood family. Though they will accept step or adopted children into their family, they will not consider them family. I guess I can see where my mother's anger from them comes from. They have fish on the wall, but only have five for me and my cousins. None for my three step sisters. I understand both sides. But this is because I get it. I guess in a way I am like them with the whole family thing. I consider my step family actual family. But to be honest, I don't love them as much as my blood. My mother refuses to realize that my step grandparents do the same thing. When my parents are not around, I find myself often feeling ignored or not a part of the family. Yet, I know they care for me like I'm one of their own grandchildren. Sometimes I just wonder what it would be like to meet my biological father. Last I heard, he lived in the Midwest. But, who knows where he really lives. I don't even know what I would say to him. Would I yell? Be angry? Ask why he wasn't there for me? I really want to know who he is, but I'm scared to find out.

Morbid Video Games

Has anyone ever wondered how someone could create such a morbid video game? Don't get me wrong, I love watching video games and playing them. But, a lot of them are filled with violence. One of my favorite games to watch is Heavy Rain. The plot is that there is a man who is called the origami killer who kidnaps kids and puts them in a sewer or well. He then sends the victim's parents a locker ticket and the locker has a box and multiple objects inside. And the essential question that he asks is, "How far would you go to save your child?" As the game progresses, the father is put to through trials that continuously risk his life. At one point, he even cuts off his own fingers and kills someone. Though the game has a good story line to me, I am somewhat appalled at the fact that someone can come up with a tragic story like this. How can one come up with the idea of hurting oneself over and over to save someone else's life. I'm just curious as to how their mind's work. It's a mystery.

Literature

I'm fond of reading, however my comprehension makes it hard for me to understand a lot of the things that we read in class. I really enjoyed Hamlet once I understood what was going on. I think that Burge's way of interpreting what had just happened by either lecturing us or having us watch a scene from the play helped me the most. I attempted to read Frankenstein freshman year for the little book reports that we had in Burge's honors class. I was really bored with the writing, but I think it's because I had a hard time comprehending what she is well, writing. I'm glad that we are beginning to read this book in class. It seems like an interesting story. And the doctor has really begun to interest me since he was in the show, Once Upon a Time. I know that the creation is not really named Frankenstein and that he isn't green or has the bolts in his neck. It makes me wonder how the media came to the idea that he should look like that in the cartoons.

Thanksgiving

As Thanksgiving approaches,  I have begun to realize how broken my family really is. My aunt recently gave birth to my new baby cousin and I have yet to meet her because of family disputes with my mother. My mother and her parents and sister have had this on going feud for years. She believes they treat her sister and their friends better than her and her family. Recently, she wanted some help with a family issue and all they said was, "Sorry." My mom was outraged. It was planned that we would go down to my grandparents house for Thanksgiving and we all could meet my new cousin and see how my aunt is doing. But after my mom got angry with my grandparents, she refuses to spend the holiday with them. I think it's a bit drastic, because it is her side of the family. Stuff like this has been going on since I moved to Reno. My mom changed the plans so that we would go spend Thanksgiving with my step family. However, that would not be until Saturday. Though I care for my step grandparents, I would rather spend it with my blood. I don't mean for that to sound bad in anyway, but I miss them so much. My mom hasn't let me spend any holiday with them for what seems like years. I understand that she and my step father have a ongoing feud with my grandparents, but I don't think that she should keep me from seeing them. She told me last week that we would not be having a feast on Thanksgiving, but save it for Saturday when we go down to see her "new" family. She told me that I could go spend the actual holiday with my grandparents and cousins and I was ecstatic. I started making plans with everyone and then she tells me this morning that we are going to have a mini feast with just us. I know it's holiday season and we should be thankful for family, but I do not agree with my mother's actions what so ever. I'm completely against it. 

Leadership

Leadership has always been a confidence booster for me. At leadership events, there is usually a key note or motivational speaker. I always get this boost of confidence and I feel like I can accomplish anything after I hear their presentations. One day during the conference last week, they were playing a song that had a dance to it. I noticed there wasn't a lot of people dancing to it. My friend told me that they wanted to go dance so I followed and along with a few others we danced to the Wobble song. Normally I would not have gone up there because I hate being in front of crowds. But, during leadership conferences, I feel like a more outgoing person. The only downside to leadership conferences is that they ask the same questions over and over. How can you apply this to your chapter? What skills from this can you apply to your chapter? How would this help your chapter? I was getting sick of hearing the same question. I was running out of ways to give different answers. All in all, I really like leadership conferences. They make me believe in myself more than I usually do. I feel good about myself. And somehow I believe that I discover myself all over again.

Don't Play Dumb

Over the years, I've noticed a lot of girls play stupid around guys. I've never understood why. Do guys think it's attractive to seem utterly stupid and ditzy? I guess I'll never know. I guess girls would do just about anything to get that one guy's attention. From my own experience, I have found myself pretending to be interested in things that the other has liked just so that he felt comfortable and liked me. I can listen to this guy talk about video games for hours and not even care that I don't understand what the conversation is about. He can even ask questions about what we discussed the day before and I play dumb and ask what he's talking about because I didn't remember the details of the previous conversation. I always thought that the act of playing dumb for a guy is ridiculous, even though I do it sometimes too. But during the skills conference, I noticed the extent to which a girl can play stupid. We were all separated into teams and we had to create a game in which the judges could play. The team leader was giving out directions so that the game was properly executed. And this girl next to me looked at a boy and literally said, "What does execute mean?" REALLY?! My friends and I looked at each other with our jaws dropped. It seemed that every two seconds she was asking what basic words meant. It was aggravating me. And all the boys around her did was laugh and then ask for her phone number. Do guys like when girls play stupid? Because I think it's super annoying. Come on girls, DON'T PLAY DUMB.

Blogs.. More like a burden.

We're required to write blogs twice a week for our AP Literature and Composition course. I think my teacher believes it will help us improve our writing or something. I don't quite remember the point. But, one's supposed to be about what we're learning in school and one about whatever we choose. To be honest, as the semester continues, I'm running out of ideas. I can only talk about things so much. I don't see the point in having to write on this "Blogger" twice a week, but there must be an important reason if we are required to do it so much. When it comes to creating ideas for this assignment, I often get bored. This is because I don't know what to write. I don't want to talk about personal things because, well, they're personal. I have so many things running through my mind and I have all these emotions that I could write about, but I am not comfortable doing so on the internet. I don't know how much longer I can talk about random subjects or the same play or book or poems that we are covering in this class. However, I'm not not going to do this assignment because there is obviously a personal gain for me. I can check write a blog off my bucket list. Well, I would if I had one.

Traumatized.

Since the morning that the Seniors hosted the hot chocolate gathering for the Freshmen, my mind has been elsewhere. That morning has ultimately been one of the worst that I have ever experienced. I woke up in a great mood, ready to start the day. However, my day would soon get crazy. I am usually running late every morning, but that day was not the case. We left early because it was windy and it looked like it would rain. I was sitting in the back seat shuffling through music and laughing with my mother and sisters. As my mom was driving through the neighborhoods to drop my sister off at O'brien, we witnessed something horrible.
There was a child who was more than likely in my sister's grade riding his bike. He was on his way to school. In uniform, a backpack on his back. Then it all happened in seconds. The boy riding the bike was hit by a truck that was not paying attention. In a matter of seconds he was on the street. Screaming. I was frozen. My mom jumped out of the car and a couple came running out of their house to see if he was okay. I did not know what to do. My sisters were crying and I tried to comfort them. The kid continued screaming, but he could not stand up. Soon enough, ambulances came and took him away.
My mom drove away and my sister had stopped crying by the time we arrived at her school. I moved to the front seat, speechless. Mom kept trying to ask me if I was okay, but I couldn't find words to answer. All I could think of was his screams and seeing him on the ground. The bike wheel spinning. I didn't feel like participating in the gathering at school, let alone actually be at school.
A week later and I can still see it perfectly and I can still hear his screams as if I was right there all over again.
My friends and teachers are asking me how I am dealing. I don't know what to say or think. I just don't want to talk about what I saw. I don't know how to process it. It's constantly on my mind. But I know that if I keep myself busy, it will not be there so much. Reckless drivers piss me off. How can they be so oblivious? You were driving in a neighborhood on a school day. Children are riding bikes and walking to school. Be cautious.
I really hope that kid is ok. I feel so horrible that it happened. And that I was there to witness, but could not process it fast enough to help him.